3 Tips To Discover Your Identity
I would say that once you create the awareness and realize the people pleasing patterns that dictate your actions, the questions will start to come up and the most impactful one is: Who am I?
My intention is to give you 3 tips that helped me answer that question when I couldn’t find the answer.
- Break down the puzzle
Identifying the parts of our identity that were created by pleasing someone else, and recognizing the ones that are truly ours, will help us find the answer to that question.
It was a rough afternoon and I was having one of our deep conversations about life with Erika. I was sharing with her that I was starting to get tired of pleasing. She asked me a question that ended up being one of my biggest AHA moments. Who are you going to be when your parents are not here on Earth anymore? Are you going to regret who you’ve been or will you be happy with who you are?
It hurt. Because I knew that if I continued down the “people-pleasing lane” I will regret not living life by my own terms and wishes.
Of course I want them to feel proud, happy and at peace with who I am, BUT in that moment I understood that it couldn’t be at the expense of my own inner peace and authenticity.
Until that point, my life had been designed by others. I studied Economics because ever since I can remember my dad told me it was something that could benefit me. That became one of my core beliefs and I execute it very well. I then studied trading because my boyfriend at the time suggested a program that ticked all the boxes. I though I’d do it and we could both benefit from it, and of course that pleased my Dad’s plan for myself too.
It really seemed like the perfect plan at the time. I enjoyed both things, they are part of who I am today, at the same time I was not AWARE, I was only executing, so if you ask me today, had I been aware and conscious of my decisions, of my own wishes, I’m sure I would have chosen something different.
- Allow yourself to answer the crazy questions
Back in my epiphany moment of the balcony I told you about in the previous post, I gave myself the permission to answer questions I didn’t dare to before. What if I decide to end this relationship? What if I choose something different? What if this is no longer making me happy? What if I quit trading? What if I don’t want to be employed? What if I no longer relate to this?
These questions were available, because I simply turned on “the radar”.
According to Jay Shetty’s book Think Like a Monk, “Our identity is a mirror covered in dust. When we first look in the mirror, the truth of who we are and what we value cannot be seen. Clearing it may not be pleasant, but only when that dust is gone can you see your true reflection.
When we give ourselves space and stillness, we can clear the dust and see ourselves, not through other’s eyes, but from within. Identifying our values and letting them guide us will help us filter external influences.”
I was determined to REDEFINE myself, find my true IDENTITY in order to get rid of the dust and make better choices. This is a never ending work, I feel we never stop creating that identity, because we are constantly evolving and growing (at least that’s what I chose for myself and what I hope you choose for yourself too).
We will be in constant change and our identity will become stronger and larger from the new things we learn, but once you find yourself once, it is hard to not do it again.
The best decisions, the ones that bring the most joyful memories and feelings, are those that are taken from an authentic desire.
If you are looking to open up your awareness on this topic, I suggest you take your time to work on my How To Stop People Pleasing Worksheet.
Once you open up this window, I don’t think there are right or wrong questions. If they come up is to show us something about ourselves. Is on us and the commitment we made to ourselves to give them the space to be heard and answered.
- Find what you no longer relate to, and honor it.
I believe the whole point of listening and pay attention to ourselves, is not regretting anything in the end.
It was challenging in the beginning, to stand up for myself, understand all of it and take action from there. But once I made the choice and the decision to break down the puzzle and answer the crazy questions, who I was started to become clearer and my self-confidence started to build up.
With time and practice, I started to realize the things that I didn’t relate to anymore, the people I didn’t relate to, places I didn’t enjoy going to anymore, the concepts about myself I didn’t identify with anymore and started honoring it.
Identity is another life-changing lesson in my journey. I hope you can find the pieces that don’t belong to YOUR puzzle, that you dare to ask yourself the questions that will help you find your true values, HONOR them and let yourself be guided by your most authentic self.
Until the next one!
