Unlocking The Power of Boundaries

As a people pleaser, we tend to sacrifice our emotional, psychological and spiritual well-being and as much as there are many things we have to learn in our healing journey, I believe boundaries is one of the most important ones.

I was speaking to my therapist in one of my sessions about how tired I was over not having any privacy in my own room at home because my mother was one that continuously bursted in without knocking whenever I was taking a shower, using the toilet or simply wanting some solitude.

To this, my therapist asked if my room had a lock. I said it did, and she replied: Have you considered locking it?

Something as simple as that, yet it didn’t cross my mind because of the big deal my mother made out of it. Basically, I was not allowed to lock the door “just to be safe in case of any emergency” (you know, any of those catastrophic ideas the human brain can create like falling in the shower and hitting your head kinda stuff).

You already know my people pleasing patterns, so I obeyed to this whole-heartedly just to avoid any type of conflict with her. I closed my door, yes…but NEVER locked it.

My therapist continued to ask if there were any boundaries established at home. Boundaries? What’s that? I thought. Like many other occasions, I was left clueless. I didn’t know what boundaries she was referring to. I had no idea what they were, because they were clearly non existent in my life.

Further on, I understood I was not able to set boundaries because I couldn’t bare the guilt or shame of not pleasing. I always finished apologizing, changing my mind or over-explaining myself.

She explained how boundaries are limits that separate us from others in order to protect ourselves and maintain healthy relationships. And what followed was yet another HUGE AHA moment on my journey.

She brilliantly presented to me the fact that I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR OTHER PEOPLE’S FEELINGS. I got to understand that my boundaries will possibly bring a discomfort in the counter part, yet that’s on their plate, not mine.

A constant question I always remind to ask myself is: “What’s mine and what’s yours?”

As I build consciousness over my thoughts, beliefs, needs, emotions, physical or emotional space I get to understand where I’m lacking those boundaries and where I’m holding too much for others.

This has helped me realize that I am no longer in charge of saving or fixing everyone else at my expense.

An author that has made a significant impact in my life is Brené Brown, and this is what she says about boundaries: “They are necessary in every relationship we have. The process of learning how to set them is not linear, it’s not easy, but by developing our awareness and getting to know who we truly are, what we want and what we need, our limits start to become clearer.”

See how everything works together? Awareness, identity, acceptance, boundaries…

It will be challenging to set boundaries in the beginning because we are not used to the discomfort of possibly offending others with them. It’s key to learn how to still be kind but also firmer with our own limits. That will help us be less angry on the inside and protect ourselves.

There are many types of boundaries. The boundaries regarding our body, when people comment about our bodies, on how we look, what we wear, what we eat, how we move. Also boundaries for the amount of times we need to sleep or rest.

There are boundaries regarding time, on how available we are for others and how often we neglect our own schedules.

And also the mental or emotional boundaries, when we feel responsible for the mental and emotional states of other people and we have a need to save others or keep them happy.

I personally searched for help on this topic, because it’s one of the hardest things to start doing when we are trying to change old patterns. Two main resources I used to learn more about boundaries were Dr. Nicole Lepera’s book How To Do The Work and Stephanie Essenfeld’s course Mas Paz Mental (you can find her on instagram @therapyuntangled)

But for now I want to leave you with the three main steps to start setting boundaries that helped me.

The first one would be: search where they are lacking. Basically be a witness in your life and start paying attention to what situations you feel uncomfortable with and how would you feel if you used any boundaries in that setting.

The second one would be: communicate them. Understanding why that boundary is important to you is a good place to start. In my case, I wanted privacy.

This will help you speak about the facts that make you uncomfortable, how you feel in those moments, how you would like that to change, and how you will respond if it doesn’t.

And for last, maintain the boundary. To me personally this was the most challenging step, because by nature we are going to try to fix it, defend or overexplain ourselves depending on the reaction that we are receiving. But when we already made the choice to start honoring ourselves and protect our needs, it’s easier not to look back.

Sometimes we are going to do it beautifully and feel so proud and others we are going to suck at it and that’s ok, its a matter of practice.

It’s better to start with the small things, and try to connect with the beautiful side of them. They are indeed an act of love for any kind of relationship.

Locking my bedroom door…that’s how I started to set boundaries. By doing it in the small ways, small steps that will eventually feel like giant steps, trust me.

I hope you decide to start putting boundaries into practice in order to leave feelings of remorse or anger behind, and start feeling happier, safer and more comfortable in your relationships.

I truly hope you find your own “door lock“.